Finding Happiness

I’m not sure what this post will be about. To be honest I’m confused and I just sat in the shower thinking that would clear the confusion?

Since we are being honest.. I’m sad that I’m alone. I’m angry that my family is dysfunctional and I no longer fit into that dysfunctionalality where I was a ghost and that only makes me more angry because I choose to never allow myself to sink back down to their level (no disrespect). I feel unworthy because I’m not as skinny as my boyfriends ex wife.

Bam.

There it is. That is why I am writing from my iPhone in bed at 9:40 at night.

She had him. She. The one who is 5’6 and a 130 lbs. fuck her and fuck my phone for always turning “fuck” into duck.

Fuck.

I’m not sure how I would be good enough for him. I know he loves my kind heart. I know he loves me for me and he wouldn’t be with me if he didn’t. I trust that.

The part that shakes my hope and faith is the fact that in 4.5 months, I will be intimate with him for the first time. That means I have approximately 20 weeks to lose 20lbs. FML..

One of the worse things is I know I shouldn’t compare. And I know that if me and him don’t work out only because I am heavier than her then he isn’t the man I want to be with and I will be okay and I will find a man who deserves me especially when I’ve lost 45 lbs the last six months and I’m determined to keep losing weight.. so really, it would be even more fucked for him to do that since I will get to my goal weight in time.

I will never be 130. Ever. I’m 5’8 and my goal is 180… but I’m currently at 225. Every day is a struggle.

UGh.

ANNNNNNNND I am suspicious that this is just a mood and I don’t actually feel this way or believe these things but how is a woman expected to know how she really feels when mood swings occur and I can’t always discern reality from a mood that may or may not be my true self, my true beliefs, the actual way I will view this subject four days from now …..