The question, “what am I doing?” rings in my ear every so often. It is answered by a warm sensation that lightly radiates from within my chest. My heart is in love.
If you’ve been following my blogs, you’ll know that I have endured the pits of despair. I have conquered suicidal urges. I have persevered from chemically induced rapid cycling bipolar-II. Guess what? He has been by my side through it all. He has held a backstage pass simply because he cared about me. He didn’t have to be, it wasn’t a chore to him, he didn’t sympathize for me. He wasn’t even in love with me back then. I used to be codependent on him to help me. And now, my mind body spiritual journey has connected to a nearly constant state of peace – a state of mind I achieve myself without any dependence.
Each day I become more stable in my mental health battle.
Every day he tells me that he loves me. He accepts me for me. He is in prison, sure, but that doesn’t reflect on his being or soul. I am not ashamed to date an inmate.
I originally believed that my emotional needs would never be met.
As I grow stronger mentally each day, I learn a new perspective regarding love for Self. I am love. I am enough. I am me. I accept that now. This is a realization that many won’t discover in this life. A realization that has flipped my world around and now I am discovering a new perspective for every situation, color, breath, beauty, sensation, interaction, imperfections, anything and everything.
What about our innate desire for intimacy? Sexual needs (what are those?). Every two – three weeks we indulge in phone sex. Don’t get me wrong, we know how to do it very well. It ends in double digit orgasms for me – and none for him. OH! And during the one visitation (5 hours) a week, we get a 5 second hug and kiss. That may sound shitty, but visitations are my favorite. It reminds me of the love, how real he is, how he feels for me. He knows pressure points, so the hand massages are orgasmic. I’ve even had orgasms IN PRISON (I feel the need to clarify that this happens in the bathroom after he gets me all worked up).
I want more emotional support – I do not need it. I want to feel warm snuggle-cuddles – I do not need them. I want him to bend me over the couch and every piece of furniture in my house – I do not need sex. I want sentimentality – I do not require it in order to love myself.
Your strength is constantly tested.
You faith is pushed to the limit.
You hope for his happiness and nothing more.
You always have his back no matter what.
You know that he loves you. You know he see’s beauty in every feeling, emotion, action you take. You know that he finds your kind heart the most inspiring feeling ever felt.
The most intoxicating feeling for me is to see the love in his eyes – no words needed.
Guess what the insane part about all of this is… I saw him in prison in June 2016 for the first time. As I write this it is September 2017 (1 year and 3 months). Never would have I believed any of the words above until a month ago. If I had written this page two months ago, it would be one filled with sorrow, regret, heartache, emptiness, loneliness of never having him physically. It wasn’t until I found spirituality and connected my mind and body that I found hobbies, new perspectives and beliefs…. love for myself. The love for him has always been present.
Until a month ago, he constantly reminded me that “this isn’t for everyone”. Insinuating that not everyone is strong enough to have this type of relationship. Not everyone is strong enough to maintain happiness while barely having physical interaction. Hell, I have never been with him physically, EVER. He wen’t into prison without knowing me first. Our relationship is stronger because of it. All we have is communication.
I have promised to him that if at any point I become unhappy with the situation that I will tell him. I will tell him that I want to break up if it ever compromises my well-being. Obviously, I cannot tell you how my emotions and feelings will evolve over the next eight months; I cannot foresee myself being unhappy anytime soon.
I don’t know what the future holds for us, there is no way to predict how this story will unfold. All I can do is have faith, hope, and trust. I couldn’t put anymore confidence in my decisions.
I love him. He has a warm spot in my heart. I have learned to appreciate the time I have with him regardless of how limited it is.
I love him. He has given me endless strength with his words of wisdom.
I love him. He believes in me without any doubt; he is confident that I will conquer any desire in my life.
I love him. He puts infinite faith in my will to persevere. To continue my journey.
I love him … we both believe that impossibilities only exist in the mind. “Anything is possible”.
I love him … ❤