To Be Determined…

I can’t stop loving you. I am so unequivocally in love with you. And when I ask myself “why” I am left with the blessing of shame for not moving on as fast as you did. We loved each other very differently when we had our time. You lived in the fantasy world of optimism and I fought the pessimistic demons that persisted given the unconventional nature of what we went through with one another.

That unconventional dynamic taught me a lot of things about life, love, and reasoning.

I learned that I can be faithful to one person for years even through consistent pain and struggle, and the lack of physical touch or intimacy.

I learned that it is okay to expect the worst and pray for the best. And if it doesn’t play out like I hoped it would, it won’t be the end of the world… that maybe spontaneity will lead to new opportunities to create memories.

I learned that giving my whole heart and energy to one person is exhausting when it isn’t reciprocated. I now understand why a partner should compliment me and not complete me.

I learned that one of the greatest blessings in life is to be adopted into a non-bloodline family. The unconditional love given by your mother and daughter is something I have never known and I would never want to change it.

I learned that just because I give unconditional love that it is the other person’s choice to reciprocate it.

I learned that if I’m not prioritized in a partnership that I shouldn’t shame myself because people have the ability to choose their priorities. And at the end of the day, if I’m never going to be a priority for someone then that relationship should end.

You were there for me in a time when no one else was. You were the only one that could say the right thing to help get me through the pits of despair. During those times, I was going through a chemical imbalance in my brain. And I was there for you through three years of prison and two stunts with solitary confinement. During those times, you opened up emotionally then would withdraw.

From the day you got out. My unconditional love remained even through my personal struggles; and the patience you once had with me wore thin until it was reduced to nothing. That is when I realized there was no unconditionality to our new found unconventional situation.

Thanks to you I have self-respect and morals that I stand tall behind. I have a voice that echoes loudly when I stand my ground to set a boundary. Thanks to the constraints of being alone, I pursued my self-growth and development. I learned that my body is beautiful and that there is no such thing as perfection. That it is okay to take risks and to have dreams that may fail because in those moments of failure I still learn and grow.

There are so many wars we fight. There are so many things we are not.

I will miss the inside jokes. I will not miss the manipulation.

I will miss the moments of intimacy. I will not miss walking on eggshells.

I will miss the way I felt so safe in your arms and the warmth when you calmed me by your influence. I will not miss being told constantly what I feel, who I am, or who I ought to be.

I will miss the promise of a future together. I will not miss the lies.

I will miss laughing and rolling around in bed innocently. I will not miss your lack of willingness to try to improve our communication.

You said something to me once that was so hurtful. You said that no one else would ever be with me because I have such a damaged past; that they wouldn’t ‘t be able to handle me. The old me would say, maybe you are right. The new me, would tell you to fuck yourself.

I am not broken, damaged, or unworthy. I AM a fighter and a kind hearted soul that seeks out deep and complicated thoughts and conversations to challenge ones beliefs.

Just because you dumped me for a younger girl and started dating her the same day, doesn’t mean I will be here for you when you need more money, attention, a favor, help, anything. Because you never did anything but hurt me.

…it just took me four years to realize that your gaslighting manipulation is something no one deserves.

2 thoughts on “To Be Determined…

  1. I would hit like, but there is no liking what has happened to you. It is hard to be alone. I know, I am currently separated after 17 years of marriage. I thought I was giving my heart and soul. I shoveled alpaca shit for the past five years twice a day in all kinds of weather to try to help her succeed. She shies away from success. I gave her money towards divorce. I have not heard more. She says she still loves me but is not in love with me. She says she hopes we can still be friends, but it is hard. I only hear when she is in need of something. Not once has she connected just to check on me. It is an afterthought. Now I am isolated and alone, worsened by the pandemic. My own family has never reached out to me. Not even my kids. So I am creating new family and they, at least at the moment, tell me what an amazing person I am. I get where you are at, but keep pushing forward. Embrace the warrior spirit.

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    1. Oh wow, I’m so sorry you are going through that and I’m sending all the compassion your way that I can. I’m in that same boat of isolation from family so my heart hurts for you. The best we can do is take it one day at a time and that will always be enough. 💜

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