Finding Gratitude in the Dark

I had a very rough day. My body and brain are still trying to adjust to a rather crazy change in a mood stabilizer/SSRI and the side effects continue. Hallucinations, outbursts of crying, extreme depression and fatigue, and the occasional panic attack.

It’s almost midnight and as I reflect back on today, I am grateful for many things. Although most of the day, I either slept or fought to “stay out of my head” to survive, there were things that happened today that I am fortunate to have.

My care partner was there for me. I had a horrible hallucination so I ran into the shower because that has become my “safe space”. When I emerged from the steam filled bathroom an hour later, my boyfriend took my hand, showed me the way to bed, pulled the covers up for me, handed me Kleenex. He sat down and said, “I’m here with you. You are safe.”

Of course it made me cry like a baby!!! There is something about knowing someone can care THAT much that gets me. Growing up I never had that. So to find it in my adult life is like the holy grail.

I’m grateful that I have several people that love me no matter what. No matter how bad my brain gets and no matter how much I need to lean on them.

I’m grateful that the taboo of mental health is finally being talked about in America.

I’m grateful that my job has been accepting of my struggles and has made accommodations for me while I get through this temporary medication-hellish-ordeal of a hardship.

I’m grateful that my dog spent time snuggling with me today. I think she knows.

I’m grateful that I found my way to my laptop to write this post.

I’m grateful that I was able to get off the couch long enough to go to the store this evening. Moving around, even just a little, helps me tremendously!

I’m grateful my 20yo kitty is with me still. She has been on this roller coaster with me since my teenage years.

I’m grateful I’ve lost one pound in the last week. That is absolutely incredible!! Huge victory considering that a side effect (as odd and random as it is), is to crave simple sugars and sweets. Insane right? I have definitely had my fair share of cookies in the last month.

I’m grateful that I haven’t given up and given into the suicidal thoughts or the hallucinated man saying to “take this knife”. It has been extremely hard to speak up that that is occurring because I know I sound nutty. But it helps knowing my care team has my back.

I’m grateful that I spent time with my boyfriends mother today. She helped to keep me sane.

I’m grateful I had a nap this afternoon. My body needs the rest right now.

And I’m grateful that my boyfriend is taking tomorrow off work to spend the day with me. He hasn’t done that in a long time since work has been slammed busy for him. He is my rock right now and I need him.