Finding Happiness

Dear Past Self,

You’ve been through a lot. Stuff that no child should have to endure and it is okay for you to identify that no child should have to experience the things you have heard, seen, felt. And you do not deserve the prolonged pain, continued unhealthy coping mechanisms you developed to survive, or the relentless torment, torture, and chaos.

You deserve respect, confidence, worthiness, to be/feel love, experience joy and peace.

Somehow you made it through and you’ve transformed a damaged soul into beauty unseen. It wasn’t by chance. Your innate desire to want more, persevere, and your continuous striving to want to help others has transformed your life into a miracle. You’ve conquered what many never will. Came out ahead when you shouldn’t. Beat every odd in the book. Morphed the suffocating concept of impossibilities are normal. When actually… Nothing is impossible.

Impossibilities only exist in the mind.

That is the most important lesson you will ever learn. You can conquer anything you want to conquer. All it takes is an ounce of belief. And that is what you chose. Courageously, you sought out treatment. And it wasn’t by chance that you landed in the office of a counselor that has helped save your life (literally). God presented her to you as a sign that you have so much to offer the world.

It wasn’t by chance that her schedule had an opening at the same time that you saw your psychiatrist for the first time. It was an act of God. He brought you strength in the form of two caregivers that offered relief from thirty years of Hell.

Never forget for a moment:

• You are loved.
• You deserve love.
• You are love for simply being alive.
• You are worthy.
• You deserve respect.
• Your confidence will continue to grow.
• You will conquer your eating disorder, slowly, over time.
• You will conquer your life goal of having the ideal body you’ve always wanted.
• You will encounter your impatient “part” from time to time – you CAN remind your impatient part that while you needed that part in the past, you don’t need it so strongly now.
• You will encounter your perfectionist “part” from time to time – you CAN remind your perfectionism that you used to need it, but you deserve to slow down and enjoy every second of everyday as the days pass. It is what it is.
• You will see shitty days and it is okay to show emotion. To break down. Cry anywhere, anytime you need to.
• You will realize that your happiness, joy, and peace will continue to radiate through your chest as you move forward through your journey.

If nothing else. You are loved. And always will be. And you are never alone even when you think you are.

You love you for the simple reason that you chose life when suicide was the easy road to take.

Your kind heart has carried you and it will continue to. You will spread love and wisdom to others.

You are amazing. Never stop believing in yourself.

Love always, Brandi.