Who I Want to Be: Evolution of Thought

Posted in ADD, Addiction, ADHD, anxiety, bipolar, depression, Mental Health, Persevere, self-discovery

If you read all the way to the bottom – you will notice one fundamental truth that evolves over time. Which is: I have became more confident in who I am and what I strive to be.

February 1, 2017

Who do I want to be?

  1. I want to be kind.
  2. I want to have and to exercise a high emotional intelligence.
  3. I want to lose 50lbs.
  4. I want longer hair.
  5. I want to be able to control the flood gate of emotions and feelings from daily life, and stay stable.
  6. I want a career that I love.
  7. I want to help others.
  8. I want to continue to learn about cognitive psychology, IFS, and DBT.
  9. I want to understand all the “parts” of me that I have exiled.
  10. I want to be an advocate for mental health and encouragement to youth for them to embrace themselves to find happiness.
  11. I want to master a hobby that I truly love that I run to when I am down.
  12. When shame surfaces, I want the confidence in myself to control and analyze that part of me followed by meditation.
  13. I do not want to be co-dependent all the time.
  14. I want to identify my “Self” before my next serious relationship.
  15. I want to find peace in all “parts” of me.
  16. I want my next all future partners to know their “Self”.
  17. I want to believe in myself and love myself without shaming myself.
  18. I do not want to stress over things or events that I cannot control.
  19. I want sexual confidence.
  20. I want others to perceive me as a kind, animal loving, who is passionate about life and living, and is knowledgeable about EI/Psych. I also want them to perceive me as family oriented, loyal, intelligent, who has faith and believes in something. That I walk with grace and my fashion is a mix between classy and alternative. They see a woman who walks with confidence, class, and elegance who carries herself well. She is goofy as fuck but you would never know that unless you spoke to her and she was to open-up to you. You’d immediately think she is sweet first and smart second. That she has a smile that can light the night sky. She is never arrogant. She is selfless 100% of the time, 90% of the time. She doesn’t let others dictate her happiness or well-being. And she is a freak in bed who is insatiable (a giver first, receiver second). She is intense yet lighthearted.
  21. Overall, I want to imagine my ideal body image and achieve it mentally, physically, and spiritually.
  22. I want my persona that is viewed by others to be:
    1. Playful: Flip my head/hair around quickly; say “What!?”

 

May 22, 2017

Who do I want to be…?

  1. I will always be kind and compassionate.
  2. I will embrace my “big heart” and contribute to society in a healthy manner for others and
  3. I will continue to volunteer to help animals.
  4. I realize I cannot change my parents or family members. But I will work on “me” until I’m able to have a healthy relationship with each one. I don’t know what that relationship looks like yet – maybe it means distancing myself. I don’t need the answers because I trust that I will know what is right when the time comes.
  5. I will help others in their time of need as long as I do it in a way that is also healthy to me – I want to stop compromising my wellbeing for those who take advantage.
  6. I won’t be afraid of love or passion.
  7. I will conquer my binge eating obsession.
  8. I will continue to use mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness techniques to cope with life and to build a life I love living. A stable life. One full of self-care.
  9. I will plan to tackle at least one item on my massive bucket list each year.
  10. I will establish my new identity around love and passion. Including hobbies I’m passionate about and hanging out with those individuals that I care about/love. I’d love to partner with an old basketball friend and coach young girls.
  11. I am interested in mental health counseling. So I want to continue to explore options for a career in it. Possibly obtaining my Masters in Mental Health Counseling (MAMHC). I’d love to work with adolescents and adults who have experienced trauma, grief, and/or depression/anxiety.
  12. I WILL BE a lady on the streets and a freak between the sheets.
  13. I will get my curvy body back. But it won’t come from extensive dieting. I’ve learned that I use food as a drug to calm/numb my emotions/subconscious. I will continue to work on the things triggering my anxiety/depression and in time I will have the body I love. Therefore, I am not setting a # on pounds to lose. And if others don’t find me attractive? They can F*** off!!
  14. I will write endless lines of poetry and riddles that make sense to only me.
  15. When the time is right, this will happen… my hair will be short in a stylish cut and purple or light pink or something edgy (whatever I’m in the mood for that month). I will have two facial dermals next to my eye. I will complete my half sleeve with a sexy female demon and beauty and stars surrounding it. The arm opposite the sleeve, will have a massive angel wing on my forearm. I will rock bright lipstick and cat eyeliner and dark mascara. Most importantly. I will smile every chance I get. That smile that lights the room 😀
  16. I will never let a man compromise my wellbeing or take a hobby away from me.
  17. My journey to take care of my mind, body, and spirit will never end.
  18. I want to push any sexual boundaries I have. I also want to prove to myself that 50 cookies are possible.
  19. I want others to perceive me at first glance as goofy, kind, smart, and pretty. They’d never know I’m intellectually deep and intense unless they spoke to me.
  20. I believe the most important thing I could include in a list like this is that I will continue to believe that I AM ENOUGH. And I will start to live a life led by my SELF and the parts of me that carry love and compassion.

 

August 4, 2017

Who do I want to be…?

  1. I will always be kind and compassionate with a loving heart that I embrace.
  2. I will continue to do the best I can, every day.
  3. I will conquer my fear of rejection, my eating disorder, and all physical and emotional insecurities and continue to persevere on my mind, body, and spirit journey with a clear mind.
  4. I will be confident.
  5. I will obtain my Master’s degree.
  6. I will continue to surround myself with those I love.
  7. I will excel in my hobbies without any agenda; including impacting the world by offering advice from the pain I’ve endured.