After being so suicidal for so long, then finding the right medication and thriving, then being slammed down and suicidal again by a reaction to Tramadol…. followed by the joy of thriving again once Tramadol was out of my system.

It’s been two weeks since my mind has been clear and stable again. That is something huge to celebrate after my pain I’ve endured on the bathroom floor crying hysterically.

So why? Why are old tendencies popping back up? Why is food becoming my drug again? Why did I call into work today because I “didn’t feel like going”. 

Ughgggfffah. Why!

Why isn’t anything easy for longer than a few days 😦 this is why I want to give up and end it again.

5 thoughts on “Backsliding

  1. Please do not give up. Your life has purpose, and believe it or not, you matter. I may not completely understand how you feel or what you go through, but I do know that you are strong enough to make it through these dark times. I hope that everything gets better for you. You deserve happiness. ♡

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  2. Please do not give up. I really enjoy your writing. I find your writing voice has a lot of light and humour and intelligence. You write on a very emotional and personal subject yet you do not overwrite or overshare, given the subject. You seem able to look at your experience with wonderful objectivity. I think, as a writer, you are a great balance of soul and craftsmanship.

    I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time and it bothers me that you’re in pain. I have ALL sorts of ideas of how to make yourself feel better but I’m sure that I would just be annoying. You must get that kind of advice all the time. If you are feeling suicidal, please reach out for professional help. I found this great 24hr hotline for you. It has a very annoying automated attendant and tone when you are waiting for the line to be picked up though! 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

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