I don’t know. The only thing I know is that maybe if I write then something will make sense. I want to write about every emotion feeling sensation image and see if I can get to an exile.
I’m anxious. Constantly lately. Anytime I focus on my Self, anxiety is conquering the battlefield. And my anxiety triggers the belief that I need to eat in order to suppress the discomfort…
That same discomfort is nauseating. It’s so intense I suffocate.
Suffocating until I eat again. It calms the storm. I have one piece of carrot cake then cringe that I can’t have more within socially acceptable limits.
So, I sneak bites and I sneak food. I think if you don’t see it, then it didn’t happen. I’m pretty sure in second grade we learn that that is not how physics work.
But how does anything work? How does my relationship work? How do I love a man with my entire being when we’ve never been intimate? Lack of intimacy, my insecurity of my own body, the unknown of what May holds, and seeking some type of ease leads me to food. How could he be happy with me.
I’m stuck in the mindset that I won’t be good enough for him. So I am being self destructive. I am self sabotaging because I believe it would be easier to find a reason to give up now and walk away rather than TRY..
Try to have a real relationship. Try to put myself out there for someone to love wholeheartedly.
I’m scared.
Fear.
Fear triggers binge eating.
When all I want is to be loved. I want him to hold me. He can’t. I’m seeking things I cannot have. It is a matter of being patient or continuing down this path of self inflicted pain.
I trust him. I’m nervous about the unknowns but believe things will happen as they do. I believe he will see beauty under my clothes as long as I do.
What is the long term fix? Patience.
Ugh. No answer for me tonight, folks.
Finding Happiness 