New Me?

Posted in Mental Health

This isn’t me. At least, I don’t think it is? If it is the new me then I hate it!

Ever since the roller coaster of trial and error with SSRIs, Aug2016-May2017, I have been recovering. Apparently my neurotransmitters process great, so when you increase them, I get significantly worse. 

Now?…

Cognitive function is slow and I stumble to find words, sometimes. Depression is still there and will be debilitating if it is triggered (i.e. no sleep, mom messaging me, extreme emotion, frustration that I can’t process thoughts…). 

That is what is so difficult for me. Not being able to process thoughts/emotions and then respond to them. Before all this medication crap, I could. 

I’m sure is all sounds so stupid.

I was making progress May-June this year. Then BAM. July of this year when a non-compatible drug put a stop on my progress and made it worse (f*** you Tramadol).

Now. It is ALL a recovery game and hoping. And it hurts soo bad to continue. Days like this make me wish I wasn’t here.

I didn’t ask for this. I asked for help. And I don’t want this to be the new me…

One thought on “New Me?”

  1. Oh, I have had times like you are experiencing. The medication aspect of recovery can be so discouraging. I’ve at times given up on meds entirely and the results were always disastrous. I’d tell myself I was better without them and then suddenly find that my world had caved in on me while I lived in denial.

    Hang in there and work through it. With meds, I have found you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince most of the time.

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