Long Days

Working ten hours a day equates extreme exhaustion – especially when you just go off six months of medical leave. I pushed myself too hard and now I spiral down. Ugh. My boss has expectations and I need my job to pay my mortgage and bills…. but F*CK! I am trying to be optimistic so that I don’t mentally tell myself I can’t go into work tomorrow.

I don’t have the energy to tell myself repeatedly “I can do this, I can do this, I can do this…”

I don’t have energy to eat dinner. I didn’t even have energy to order fast food.

I don’t want to talk to anyone – socializing seems like death right now.

I want to cry I’m so tired.

Stay in bed for days.

Forget how my head is spinning.

Block the pain in my feet.

Feel numb.

Harm myself to feel I am still alive.

To be held when I have no one to hold me.

Drown to hide.

To be told I am loved.

To be told that I matter.

To be told that the hard work I’ve put in at work has made a different.

I want so many things – so I ask, “what do I really NEED?”.