Finding Happiness

This time last year I was curled on the couch, four days since my last shower, pills in hands reach, with nothing more than suicidal ideations that were strong enough to zone out the tv volume of four, Family Guy.

I wouldn’t get the “correct” medication until May tenth. Leaving approximately 126 days of sorrow drowning me on the bathroom floor. Knife in one hand and my own tears in the other.

I’d get my beautiful baby puppy in March. The same creature that now snuggles me every night (unless she is “in a mood” which is fair because sometimes I’m “in a mood). And she greets me each day after work with the utmost happiness. A type of happy that I didn’t know could exist in a world that is so dark. Her love is pure. She only knows how to love and be loved.

A constant in my life, Jeff, is still in my life. Constantly. Not consistently when I can’t him whenever I want but he is a constant. Stability and another beaming source of love projected onto me.

How I still have my job is a miracle and can only be explained due to me having a strong enough will to not give up.

Counseling throughout the last 365 days has taught me that I am extremely depressed and experiencing horrible hormonal issues at the current moment because I associate this time of year with terrible life trauma. I am mentally surfacing all of the unresolved pain built up over the year and choking on it. Hard. And it burns.

I have done so much self-work. So much. I am entirely different now. And I’m exhausted. A year of growth. Of ups and downs and feeling ecstatic, liberated, free, crushed, flattered, worthy, exhausted, deserving, joy, love, and so many more expressions / feelings that escape my mind currently.

I’m thankful.

Thankful for the pain and all the tears.

Thankful for every hard lesson I learned.

For each time I could bring myself to find nervous humor in realizing I can’t control others, I’m not responsible for them, I can’t predict the future, AND knowing that sometimes life will feed you shit and you can’t do a damn thing about it other than suck it up and move on the best way you know how.

Thankful for each and every perspective that I chose willingly to form.

…Each person that told me “I know “ “I’m sorry” “I understand” OR “knock your shit off”.

It seems like everything happened for a reason. It’s odd like that… even when I didn’t want to hear “suck it up”, wellllll, I did, and I learned. Go figure?

I’m thankful I didn’t kill myself… that I found blogging a few months back. That I know I deserve good things and to be respected.

I’ve learned a tremendous amount.

And I’m thankful.