Brain Voices

I try. I really do. I made myself get out of bed this morning. I made myself get ready to go to work.

Then I fell to my knees crying.

When you have a medication “cocktail” going on in your brain (Mental Health Genetic Test), there isn’t much to do. Or that you can do. You wait it out. Hoping each day improves even it is a micro-improvement.

Time.

It is a gift given to us by God.  I have faith that I have a higher purpose; that my suffering will one day help others; that I will be stronger after enduring this pain; that I will conquer depression; that I will excel in life. But instantaneously, my mind jumps to succumbing to the depression with thoughts like “I can’t do this” – “It hurts” – “I wish I wasn’t alive”.

It’s a waiting game.

Everyday at every moment, there is a voice inside my head telling me to kill myself. I’ve tried to control it by reminding myself that I have a purpose. Then it gets louder each time I try to center myself.

If you believe in mind, body, and spirit (physical health, mental health, and spiritual health), then you’ll know what I mean when I say that my spirit is one stubborn motherfucker.

She is keeping me alive. I shouldn’t have lived through this (is what I’ve been told by professionals and my support team).

I am VERY lucky to have a stubborn personality and a best friend slapping me in the head (not literally, it isn’t abuse) telling me to “knock that shit off”. 

All I can do, is try, and do the best I can do, each day. That is all any of us can do.

 

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