This is me.

I have been struggling with the side effects of depresion and anxiety medications for a little over three years now. When I took a mental health genetics test through GeneSight it finally led us on the right path. However, no one could have guessed just how sensitive my system really is.

I have tried over a dozen medications for mental health. I have symptoms of bipolar I and have never been diagnosed. I have schizophrenic symptoms from medication withdrawal right now. I have held a knife in my hand and could picture how the scene plays out. I have had moments of such granular clarity that the world couldn’t seem brighter, where ANYthing is possible, where I can conquer everything. Moments of such compassion and empathy for others that I felt like my heart could heal the world. Debilitating depression where I’d rather lose everything than just … try.

Try. Such a powerful word when you know the hardships of mental health. Isn’t it heavy? There is pressure to perform at a “normal” capacity and to be viewed by society as one who doesn’t break the mold – someone who fits in.

I’m sick of it! I’m sick of not knowing me because of medication side effects that cause mood swings and I’m not in a stable mood longer than a few days. Who did I used to be? Before all the medicine? Before the divorce, marriage, engagement, relationship? Before the childhood trauma? Who was I supposed to be – And I think that is the right question.

See, I believe in God and I believe he has a plan for me. I believe I am writing this at exactly the right time that he intended. And I’m hoping (and praying) it gives a framework for me to start taking control of my life when the biological misfiring of neurons behave themselves. Here is my vision for the next step in my life and I am determined to achieve these ideals in the next few years.


Job:

  • Brand: Authentic leader
  • Personality: fun, serious, intense, compassionate and a big thinker who dives deep
  • Ethic: 7:30AM until 4PM unless I have meetings (30 min walk during lunch)
  • Lunch: 30 minutes EVERY DAY – no exceptions unless it’s work related/necessary

Home:

  • Hobbies: frisbee, walks, headphones and poetry, school work, games
  • Food: salad three times a week; portions during other meals; fruit for dessert after every meal; one cheat meal a week.
  • Sleep: in my bed; by 10:30PM; up at 6AM.
  • Beauty: Dry my hair everyday; eyeliner everyday; curl my hair once a week
  • Hygiene: sonic face brush for acne; follow the new acne regimen

Friends:

  • Karli: hangout once every other week
  • Lexi: go on a walk every other week; check-in with food goals weekly
  • Erin: visit every other month; message at least once weekly
  • Kate: message at least once weekly

Vacations:

  • MLB and NFL
  • NCAA Football
  • Camping with hiking
  • Big City (Malls and the Pier)
  • Kayaking
  • Concerts

A girl who has her shit together, a personality that is identified. And a girl that has ambition to better herself everyday. I have a long way to go but I have a vision and that is enough for this moment. It pains me to write every letter on this page but I keep going. I’ve cried multiple times and I drive on. It would be so easy to give in. So why don’t I?


I am going to try.

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