Fear. It can consume you. It can make the world stop until you finish dwelling on that same fear. Only, it doesn’t stop unless you control it. You may share this same struggle with me; the wonder that fills your mind; the question you ask repeatedly, “how can I make the world start again?”.
Control. You know, the kind of regulator that requires your amygdala to constantly stay in that heightened state of anxiety and the horror it may, or may not, present.
My fear. I work in a high stress environment within healthcare administration where managers and executives can go from laughing to crying to screaming within minutes. The expectation in my role? To stay calm and guide the conversation in a constructive and meaningful direction. I’m the “rock”, essentially.
At work my amygdala is always pissed at me. Perhaps because it doesn’t know if it is coming or going.
My anxiety meds help with the instability of emotions from co-workers. However –
MY FEAR IS “WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?”
You simply cannot predict the answer to this question. You can only do the best with the information provided to you. I mention this because when I know I am about to teach a class of 15-40 participants (those same instable managers and executives), I FREAK OUT!
Sure, I know the material I am teaching. I know the class agenda. I know when breaks and lunches are. I have been told that my teaching is “fun” and it is “delivered in a way that I understand” or perhaps the comment “I enjoyed learning from you even though this topic is boring”.
Why am I freaked out? Because I am insecure that others are judging me. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I stumble or stutter? What if my breath stinks? What if I start sweating? What if my hair doesn’t look good that day? What if, what if, what if…
This is where I normally ask for advice. I can’t this time. I know with all certainty that this is a struggle that I will never conquer until I have more confidence within myself. More trust in myself.
You may be asking yourself “thennnnnn why write about it?” Because I want others to know that IT IS OKAY to feel fear. To not have all the answers. To not know what others are thinking.
To realize that you have self-improvement goals that one day or one year you will achieve.
At least you are moving forward.
And that is true strength in oneself that you should never fear.